The soap opera I call life...

11:10pm: bseifhiudnviuhgse
Well let's see...work sucks. I work every day at the Steelers store and then at DQ. I worked 12 hours on Friday and Sat...11 hours today...and i work 12 tomorrow and Tuesday. I can't really think past that b/c I'm too tired...haha. But this'll be great for my money situation...since i'm fuckin BROKE AS FUCK right now.
My brother is not in a good place right now. All kinds of messed up shit is going on with him, and I couldn't be more worried. I just wish he would fuckin come home and recover from this fucked up ordeal...but now he's out for vengeance...which just freaks me the fuck out. Ahhhhhhhh.
Nothing else is really going on. I feel like butt...so I'm going to bed. That's the update in my life...pretty exciting...

1:05pm: more drama
Well...this weekend was ridiculous. I woke up to my mom calling my phone from downstairs on Sat. morning. I figured she was trying to get me up for work since it was my first day back...so I was like "I'M AWAAAAKE" But then my brother busts through my door and tells me that my mom called 911 b/c she thought she was having a heart attack. So I run downstairs...hungover as fuck mind you...and she's white as a ghost, breathing heavy, can't really walk, disoriented...so the ambulance gets there...and they run a bunch of tests on her...then they leave. I barfed my guts out and then hopped in my car to drive to the hospital. Then I sat in the ER with my mom for a couple hours...watching her barf her guts out...while they did blood tests and waited for her to be ready for a CAT scan. They finally determined that they thought it was pancreatitis. Well...I don't want to get in to how I found out what causes that and how pissed I am about it...but it's fine. Things are going to be fixed...whether she likes it or not. She's still in the hospital. They did a bunch of tests yesterday to make sure everything else was ok in her stomach. So who knows...
Sat. night was fun, though. Thank God for my friends...they help me take my mind off of things. Nothing like dinner and some true colors to cheer me up. Though I don't know if the 99 Bananas was such a good idea *vomit* haha oh well...i love my friends.
Now I have to get ready for work...my first day back at the DQ. Woo freakin hoo. But it's def gonna help having 2 jobs now. I have lots of bills to pay.
Ok...I'm done talking about the drama that is my life.

9:17pm: erie visit
Sooo the past 3 days were spent up in Erie visiting Ang...and also Bleeeeeee. It was fun times. The first night I just chilled w/ Ang whilst we watched In Her Shoes. Cuuuute movie.
The next day I went over to BLee's house and watched Be Cool. I am in luff with John Travolta and Vince Vaughn. Mwahaha. Then we met Ang at El Canelo's. Of course...the roads were horrible...so I was driving like a friggin turtle...and Blee had somewhere to be. I made him late...I felt bad.
10 years later, I made it back to Ang's apt...and we watched the sequel of Bridget Jones' Diary. It was also cuuuute. Then Blee came over, and we watched Eye of the Beholder with Ashley Judd and Ewan McGregor. I like both of them...but that movie was fuckin weird...and since we were all being ridiculous...I have no idea what was going on with that movie. Weeeeeeeird ending though...fuckin weird ass movie. Let's see how many more times I can say how weird it was. It was weird as fuck ladies and gents. Ok...I'm done now...
Ang was wearing her ridiculous pants...or...her asshole pants...bahahahaha. But she was in rare form last night. It was hilarious. I luff my Ang. And tonight should be an interesting night for her...bahahaha.
Today we went shopping for such a night...and all we got out of it was a piece of pizza which led to a lot of tooters. Aaaaaand I got to see puppies...and I saw the puppy I've wanted for so long...a black little pug. Ohhhh I want oooone. Who needs a bf when you have a cute lil dog? Dogs are always loyal. Lufffff it.
And now I am home being a bum...possibly going to have a couple beers with Nicole...and then resting up for my first day back from suspension...hahaha. Aaaand I'm starting DQ again this week...so basically I will never have a day off again in my life...which is fine since I have negative money in my account and 24952985 bills to pay. Woohoo.
Ok, I am spent. But the past few days were a glorious way to spend my suspension. LOVE YOU AAAAANG =)

12:17am: long time no bitch
Soooo upon request I am updating this mama jama. So much has happened. First of all...the New Yorker decided to die on me...and since I was gonna have 2 jobs, I needed a new car pronto. I finally made the decision to just get a newer car and make payments so that I would have it for a long time. I got an '05 Pontiac Sunfire coupe. It has heat! and A/C! and a CD PLAYER! Three things I was without in the New Yorker...haha. It's a really nice car, though...and I am one happy camper. Of course...I will be working my ass off to make payments on it and my highly increased car insurance...but oh well.
I went to Canada last weekend with the girrrrrrrls and Adam. Haha. Here is a little pic:




That was taken at Rumours before we took a shot of vodka. We weren't smiling so much after we downed those...haha. But anywho...the night we rolled into Canada we went out(clearly). We drank a little at Hard Rock...and went to the casino, went to Rumours, and then ended the night at TGI Fridays...where I sang some sweet karaoke. The Russian dude running the karaoke was kinda weird. The first time I sang he was like "We have our own Amedican Idol no?" The second time I sang he was like "I want to call up Jessica Seeeempson" And then I went to sing my last and final song (don't worry...no one was in there at this point) I was like I wanna sing another song...and he was like "Do you want to sing Like a Virgin?" Umm...no weird Russian dude. Then we drank some more and stumbled back to the hotel. Of course...Ang and I were first approached by some weird dude who wanted to know if we "had any reefer." And when I said no...he was screaming as he walked away, "Where can you score some good British Columbia nuggets around here?!?" It was an interesting end to the night.

The next day we were all hungover...so we paid an arm and a leg to eat at a Ruby Tuesday's...then we went to Louis Troussad's Wax Museum. It was good times...we took about 324908098324 pictures. I was excited when we got to the room with Marilyn Monroe...until I realized her nipple was hanging out. So I went and covered it up for her...then got a pic. Ash had an orgasm when she saw the wax Michael Jackson and Dr. Phil...and Ang snuggled up with Dracula. Oh...and I got a pic with my 2 pals Hitler and Charles Manson. Yes...it's a mass murderer sandwich. Yowzas. Then we hit up the casino for a bit. I was doing well...and then I lost all the money. Ang was a machine. Adam was starting to get the gambling fever before we left...asking Ash if she wanted to just put a $20 bill into the machine. She just laughed...and then he was like "No, seriously...let's do it" hahahaha Ash was like NO! Ohhh fun times.
We then bought some booze...Absolut Peach to be exact...and went back to the room where we proceeded to drink at 7:00. Then we decided to all go down to the hot tub for a bit...of course we were going to sneak our glass bottles of OJ and Vodka. We got into the elevator in our suits and bare feet...and the fuckin prom comes into the elevator on the next floor. It was ridiculous...these girls had prom gowns on with guys who were in tuxes...and we were cornered on opposite sides with suits on and no shoes. HAHAHA...so the minute they left the elevator...Ash got flustered and dropped her glass bottle which then shattered all over the floor. And of course it was completely full. Soooo...we got out on the floor with the hot tub...and tried to figure out what to do. I chugged my bottle...Ang chugged some of hers...and I finished the rest...and Ash and Ang grabbed towels to go clean up the elevator. Adam and I went running after...and this woman was coming out of the elevator as they were going on. She was like "Oh be careful...some idiots dropped a bottle in there...GEEZ" We were like "Oh geez *nervous laughter*" They then ran into the elevator...and it started to go up...so I hurried and pressed the button and luckily they came back down and cleaned it up. It was hilaaaaarious. We waited in the pool for 10 years while these exceptionally large people were hogging up the hot tub. But when we finally got in...we were like "MAN this is HOT" and got out like 5 minutes later. Hahaha. So we got back upstairs and Ash proceeded to start chugging from the bottle of Absolut. Sooo we all did. I was drunk before I got in the shower to start getting ready. Always a good thing...
So we were finally all ready...the rest of the night is kinda fuzzy. We went to get pizza...and I don't really remember most of that b/c the vodka was really starting to kick in. Then Ang and I went to Hard Rock for some drinks while Adam and Ash headed to the casino. Then Ang and I went over to the Hard Rock night club...where we drank a lot more...and we met a couple canadian girls. It figures that Ang and I would meet GIRLS in a club. But they were a lot of fun...and they went with us to Rumours. We headed to the middle of the overly crowded dance floor there...in which I apparently almost got sucked into some large fight that was happening...and then fell over for no reason. Hahaha Ang says it was funny...and I'm sure it was. Soooo then we made it back I guess...and that's about all I remember...but it was TONS of fun...and the pics are ridiculous. I FUCKIN' LOVE MY BFFs.

2 days later I headed to NYC to see Bob in his show. I was so psyched...got up nice and early to catch my flight out of Pittsburgh at 9:34 am...OR NOT! I got there and had to park in BFE because every fucking parking lot was FULL. So I finally found a spot...and had to run to catch the shuttle to the airport. Then that took about 40 years. Once I got to the check in...it wouldn't let me do the e-check in thing b/c it was past the 30 minutes prior. Well the fuckin guy took 10 years to figure out what to do...and at that point I could have already been on the damn plane. But nooo he had to answer his phone and talk about stupid shit while I was standing there ready to cry/punch him in the face. So he tells me the best he can do is put me on a fuckin stand-by flight to Detroit (where my lay over was). So I waited until 1:15 for the stand by flight...finally figuring out that if I got on I'd leave detroit at 3:12. Sooo I was relieved thinking the rest of the day would go smoothly. WRONG AGAIN My flight got to Detroit late...at 2:45 to be exact...and I had to run to the other fucking end of the airport to make the flight to La Guardia. I finally got there, sweating like a motherfucker...and they let me on the flight...b/c I basically said I would go crazy if they didn't let me on. Sooo on my way to NYC...I realized I didn't have my fuckin car keys. WOOHOO. But I thought that maybe they were in my bag...so I just let that go for a bit. I finally landed at La Guardia...and I called Bob who told me to get a ride in a taxi to his apt. We figured it would only be about $40...which was fine since I only had $55 in cash and no money in my checking account...and would still need cash to leave the parking lot at the airport the next day. Well...what do ya know...the trip cost fucking $55. Sooo that was great. At least the New York City experience was nice.

The driver got us lost of course...but I finally made it to Bob's apt...and I was sooo excited to see him. His apt is actually pretty big for being a New York apt. And they had it decorated pretty well for being 2 guys living in a small apt. But he had to be at his show at 7...and it was about 6:15...so I hurried and got ready...and I got to have my first subway experience. Sooo 8 finally rolls around...and the show starts. It was so fucking awesome. It was such an intimate theater...and I was sucked into the show from the beginning. It was such an interesting story...and the acting was awesome. Bob really blew me away...he has grown so much in his acting. His range was huge...and I was so impressed/proud. He made me cry and laugh...and scared. It was intense. I fuckin LOVED it. I wish more people could have gotten to see him...it was amazing.

Afterwards we went to get drinks. We ran in to some of his friends from the actors studio...he was telling me how amazing they are. I wish I could go sit in on his classes...it sounds really cool. Of course when I told him that, he said "Well come audition and you can." hahaha Then he took me to this swanky bar called the Pizza Bar...he insisted they had the most amazing drink. And it was...it was the Sicilian Kiss...and while it cost about $13...it was pretty damn good. So we analyzed his play...he was proud of me for cetching on to some stuff...and I was trying to figure it all out b/c it was definitely a thinker. Then we went to this little cafe thing...I forget what it was called...but he said it was the first place he had gone after his audition for the Actors Studio. Welll...they had this awesome dessert called Shmoreos. It was S'mores but on large Oreo cookies...but the kick ass part was that they brought you out this little grill fire thing that just kept burning so that you could roast marshmallows. Definitely didn't expect to go to NYC and roast marshmallows. It was fun. I wish I could have stayed longer...but I couldn't take off more time from work. Of course...had I known they were going to suspend me for a week 2 days later...I would have just fuckin stayed.

Sooo Bob had showed me the way back to the airport on all the subways. I figured something would go wrong with that...but I successfully made my trip going from subway to subway until I finally reached JFK airport. You know something's wrong when the most reliable transportation you have during a trip is the NYC subway. Sooo I sat around JFK for a while...trying to call the Pittsburgh airport to see if they found my keys. Well they weren't very helpful. When I got to Detroit for my lay over...I went down to the gate I had been at the day before to see if they had seen my keys...no such luck. I made it to Pittsburgh...and my keys were nowhere to be found...and OF COURSE the fuckin lost and found had closed like 5 minutes before I got there. Sooo I took the shuttle out to my car b/c I thought maybe perhaps I dropped them when I ran to get the shuttle. Nooope. So I tried to call Ang and Noely...and my fuckin phone died. Oh yeah...I had called my mom too...but when she said she refused to come get me...I quit wasting my precious battery time on her. Well...then my phone died and I was stuck out in BFE in the freezing cold snowy night with no way to get home and no money. Awesome. So I hauled my ass back to the airport which took a while...then I found a machine selling phone cards. I used my credit card and bought one and then called Noely and Ang to see if they could help me. Wellll...my phone then cut me off saying I had no more minutes. So I tried to buy another phone card and it kept declining my credit card. I still don't know why. So then I dug out all the change I had...which wasn't a lot...and called Noely. Then the phone cut off...so i tried again...using the last change I had...and I fuckin dialed the WRONG NUMBER. AHHHH. So then I just fuckin gave up and sat in a chair...figuring I was gonna spend the night in the airport. Well finally I got this page that I had a message. Well I found the information phone...and the guy fuckin talked my ear off about how my dad should take care of me and would have given me money...he has 4 daughters and blah blah. I was like WHAT IS THE MESSAGE??? So he told me Tan Mom was coming to get me...thank the LORD. So I waited and waited...knowing it was gonna take her a lil while. She finally got there...and she had brought the spare key for my car. Then we got lost trying to get out of the lot...but we finally finally made it home at like 2 a.m. I was never so happy to be home.

The next morning my alarm didn't go off...so I was late for work. I felt really bad and was really tired...but I figured it was all good. Well that night I went out which was fun...but the next morning my alarm didn't go off AGAIN. I was about an hour late...and on my way I called. I knew it was a horrible excuse...but it was the truth. Well they told me to take the day off and the rest of next week off because I was on suspension. FUCK OFF STEELERS STORE. Some people call in there every day with some made up excuse about people dying or being in strokes or being stuck in a ditch...EVERY DAY...and they don't get jack shit. But I get fuckin suspended. Whaaaatever. Thank God DQ is starting up...because I am gonna be fucked with money...and of course all my bills are gonna come pouring in. Just one MORE thing I needed to have on my plate of worries. Fuckin' Steelers store. I need to find another job.

Saturday night I hung out with my girrrrls from the Steelers store. They're the only reason I would want to stay there. But I might just look for another job anyways. We'll see.

Well I am spent. This was probably the longest entry ever. Peeeeeeeeeeace.

9:32pm: muy mal
I am not in a good mood right now. I was in a pretty decent mood...but then one thing just set it off in the blink of an eye. Sometimes I hate being home...
Welllll...in other news the Steelers store has been INSANE. We have people waiting outside the door like 15 minutes before we open. People yell at us because we can't hold things...and people stand and wait in the store for hours on end refusing to move from the spot they are in (which is in EVERYONE'S WAY) until the jersey shipment comes in. It's fuckin INSANE. I had to go to work at 6:30 am on Monday. And people were waiting outside before we opened at 7. People are hardcore. I can't waaaaiiitttt for the Superbowl...we're gonna KICK some Seaweed ASS. And is it coincidence that the superbowl is on the 36th day of 2006? NOOO TAKE IT HOOOME BUSSY woooo =)
Well...tonight I was asked if I would help out with Slippery Rock High School's musical. I said sure no problem. I think with 4 years of theatre majoring...i can handle the ol' high school musical. It's gonna be weird, though. Five years ago I never thought i'd be on the other side of things. But hey...it's something to put on the ol' resume...another small thing...but it works. It should be interesting...haha. I can't imagine how I'll be with the little smartasses.
Well...things have been good...for the most part. There are things that are still pissing me off in this house...and I'm hoping what was going well wasn't a fluke. BAH! And I'm so boooored. It sucks still being in this God forsaken town when all of your friends are gone. Well...it sucks to be here period...but it's even worse now...AHHH =(
Oh...and guys are motherfuckin douchebags.
Just wanted to throw that in there.

10:06pm: AHHHH
PITTSBURGH'S GOIN' TO THE SUPERBOWWWLLLLL WOOO DETROIT HERE WE COME...Bettis gets to go home for his first superbowl with the Steelers I AM SO EXCITED and in a season where no one thought they could do it...I kept the faith buddy
Maaaan working in the Steelers store has turned me into a maniac...haha but I love it yeah and because we won yesterday we had to open the store at 7 this morning...so I got there at 6:30 it was RIDICULOUS people were waiting outside the door at 6:50. But it was fun...b/c everyone wanted AFC Champions shirts...and we didn't get free ones...I'm PISSED but who knows
Anyways...I'm done with this

HERE WE GO STEEEEEEEEELERS HERE WE GO!!!!
SUPERBOWL XL

10:34pm: ohhh hullabaloo
That word is in the book I am reading now. It's a funny word...hullabaloo. You can't say it and not feel kinda silly. Mwahaha. Sooo what's been going on...had a week of stupidity when it came to guys...got over that right quick. I think I just have moments where I do that...and then I get over it. It's the ones that stick around that get me in the end...bastards. They'll get theirs *shakes fist* I'm so intimidating.
I've been working a lot at the ol' Stiller store. They won their playoff game against the Colts on Sunday soooo we've been busy as FUCK this week. If...or should I say when we win the AFC Championship game on Sunday...I get to go in to work at 6:30 the next morning so we can load in the AFC Champions shirts AND open the store at 7. RIDICULOUS. But it would mean the Steelers are going to the Superbowl...and that would be glorious. As my boss said...it would be nice to hear people talking about a Superbowl now instead of living in the past constantly bringing up Lambert and Franco...blah blah. MORE FRANCO! WE NEED MORE FRANCO!! THE PEOPLE DEMAND IT! hahahaha
Last night, my mom and I went to see Phantom of the Opera in Pittsburgh...that was my Christmas present to her. I had seen it in Toronto when I was in 10th grade and obsessively listened to the soundtrack afterwards. But oh my goodness...it was just as amazing the second time. And it really made me miss being in shows. But wow...it was so good. I love it. I wanna be on stage again. So I've decided my goal for 2006 is to pursue the acting and move somewhere. I need to get started on my own and start living like a big girl. While I may not have a steady salary for a while, I'll at least figure myself out. You only live once...I dunno why people judge you so much on your salary anyways. If I'm happy...then who cares...right? Haha...I think I'm convincing myself of things right now. Maybe I'll just hit it big and not have to worry about that...ohhhh a girl can dream.
I really miss my brother...and I'm really hoping he's ok...though I know he's not...and it BOTHERS ME SOOO MUCH. Why can't he just escape from the hell hole that he's stuck in? Why did he have to suffer such horrible things that will haunt him for the rest of his life? It's so fucking unfair. I bitch about such stupid things...but it's because I can't even imagine what he goes through...but I wish I could do it instead. Yet somehow...when he's home...he still manages to be hilarious...and I miss him being home...and it's only been like...3 weeks since he left. Boo =(
ok...I'm done now. I'm gonna go read some Sylvia Plath b/c for some reason I can relate to her book...and maybe watch some Law and Order: CI. It's an exciting evening.
I think tomorrow I will dye my hair. Glorious.

HULLABALOO

2:11am: a new year...
Well it's 2006...and it damn well has to be better than 2005. Of course, I say that every year...and something newly shitty seems to make itself known to top the shittiness of the previous year. Fuck you, shittiness! Buuuttttt...ya never know...I'll keep my hopes high for this year.
So what's been going on...Josh is now gone. I cried so hard when I had to say goodbye to him at the airport. As I watched him walk through the line for security...I was a mess...he didn't know it, but I was. It's tough b/c this time I prob won't get to see him again for a long time...which means...moving out with him to Washington is not happening...since he'll be in Iraq. Boo. When he's here it feels like he was never gone...which makes it that much harder when he leaves again. I had a really tough time this time...I basically didn't leave my room the next day. Blah.
Christmas was ok this year...I didn't really get anything...which is fine...but it just didn't feel like Christmas at all. We didn't spend it with family...and Christmas day we didn't really do anything. My Aunt Robin was out here...but she was only here for a day and a half...so it was kinda pointless...hah. I didn't even know she was leaving so soon until she came to say goodbye. My family is just kinda fucked up right now...so I pretty much just hole myself in my room most of the time...woo.
New Years Eve was fun. Josh, Ang and I spent it up in Erie with Ang's friend from LECOM and some of her friends. It was cool...I randomly saw Will while I was up there, too...so that was cool.
Tonight I hung out with Megs...some random guys bought us drinks at Ginger Hill...and we got to catch up a lot. I wish she wasn't so far away...and I really wish I had the money to go visit her in Scotland...I miss her when she's gone =( I wish I wasn't poor. Things would be a lot easier...but I guess everyone says that.
I also wish the pharmacy and med plus would get their act together so I could get my medication. My head has been all kinds of fucked up the past couple of days. I'm so dizzy and shaky and emotional...all b/c there's a glitch in the system at Rite Aid's pharmacy when it comes to med plus and the new year...so i can't even fucking get my meds. All I know is that if I start to feel all fucked up...they're gonna hear about it from me. GRRRRRR. Nothing can ever just go smoothly.
Well...that's all for now. I'm tired...even though I got about 13 hours of sleep last night and then took a nap when I got home. Fuckin lack of meds is messing me up. I really wish everyone didn't have to leave...it makes me sad =(

12:05am: christmas and things
JOSH IS HOOOMMMEEEE =) I went Tuesday to pick him up at the airport w/ Jer. He thought I was working, so we got him good. I'm so happy he's home. Just thinking about him leaving makes me want to cry...so I won't think about it right now.
Ang and Megs are home tooooo! Ang will actually be within traveling distance for me now a.k.a. Erie...but Megs will be returning to Scotland. But for this week...it'll be so nice to have everyone here! I wish I could just hide my brother so he never had to go back. Blah...
I have a new computer now...I watched Josh build it...it was cool. And it glows blue...it's a Xion...which I guess is good?? haha but it's definitely fast and doesn't freeze every 5 fuckin seconds. I have the coolest brother in the entire world...well brothers I should say. Jer's pretty cool, too...haha.
Christmas was yesterday...well technically 2 days ago since it is midnight...but fuck that. Anyways...it was alright I guess. I worked Christmas Eve until 7...and Aunt Robin came in. That was fun. I didn't really get anything for Christmas...but we watched movies all day. I was kinda annoyed by certain things...so I didn't hang out w/ everyone that much. I chilled with Josh and Jer upstairs.
This morning I was supposed to go to work at 9:45...but I walked out to my car and the IBS attacked me like fuckin Pearl Harbor style. It was unexpected and I was out for the count...so I had to call them and tell them I might be late. Well they said if it was gonna be more than an hour to not bother. Well then I died for like 3 hours in the bathroom...so I didn't go in. I'm not worried about it, though...I'm just pissed I lost hours b/c of my irritable bowel. BOOO.
So I was reading this book based on the life of Marilyn Monroe...and now I have a new obsession with her (clearly)...I dunno why...just because it's kinda mysterious...and the fact that the person she showed to people and who she really was were so different. I can relate. I mean...some people get to see every side of me (those poor poor souls)...but I'm usually just the funny, weird, crazy girl to people. I think that's why guys end up breaking up with me...b/c they think they're gonna get that all the time...but this Rachael has many sides. Bloo blah blee blop
Tonight I hung out w/ Ang and Amy...it was fun. Amy's kids are so cute...and she's so strong despite all the shit she's going through. She's so funny, too. Gotta love her.
Aaaaand I just talked to Tom and Bob on the phone...and Bob freakin got a lead role in a New York show...he's such a shitbag. Someday I will make something of my life...hah
Alright...I'm spent on this whole updating thing...

"Shit happens...some days just aren't good"
-the wise words of Angela Combine

11:05pm: snoooow
Lots of snow is falling from the sky right now. We're supposed to get 4-6 inches tonight. Good thing I don't work until 11 instead of the usual 7:45. I love snow...but I hate driving in it and knowing everyone else is too. It's scary business.
Work is going well...I have 56 hours this week...but it's almost done...so it's all good. I worked about 48 hours last week...soooo this pay check should be really nice. I'm psyched.
I ran into someone random when I was on my smoke break at work the other day...and have been hanging out with him a lot. The girl I work with has a huge crush on him b/c he works at the store across from mine...and I never knew who she was talking about until I ran into him. She about shit her pants when I told her I know him. Anyways...who knows what's going on...but it's fun to have people to hang out with! haha
Josh sent me a freakin COMPUTER that's he's gonna build for me. It's so freakin SWEET. If I knew what all these parts were...crazy chips and things...I'd put it together...but I know nothing about computers...obviously. But I have THE coolest brother in the universe. Well...both of my brothers are sweeeeet. I can't wait for Josh to come home...a week from Tuesday...EEEEK. And Ang is coming home THIS Tuesday, possibly late Monday night...WOOOOHOOOOO =) And Megs comes home 2 days after Josh. I can't wait to see everyone! And I'm actually going to have money. Man am I pumped.
Alright...well now I'm going to go read and then head to bed. Exciting...I know.

11:19pm: lots o' stuffs
Yeah sooo...lots of stuff has happened since the last post-a-roo...BUT...I'm not going to talk about most of it. Hah.
Ok...SOOO I got a job at the Steelers Sideline Store at the outlets! I walked in there last Monday night and asked if they were hiring...and I got hired that night...haha. Gloooorious. I really like working there...it's a pretty easy job...and I like the people I work with (for the most part). There's a bunch of other new people...so it's cool. And I get to talk about the Steelers all the time...so I'm a fan. Except, of course, after a game like last night...where I don't want to talk about it at all. Boo. But my second day of work was Black Friday...and that was fun...haha.
The night before Thanksgiving was fun...and um...interesting. I went out to the Brewery and Ginger Hill...and it was like a high school reunion...but it was fun. And of course...craziness. Ohhhh man.
Thanksgiving was good...pretty low key here at home...like most things now-a-days. Blah. But the food was good...definitely not lacking in that area. Gotta love it.
On Friday I went up to Theta Chi to see Bob since he was home on break. We then realized we hadn't seen each other since graduation. HOLY SHAT! But me, him, Tom B, and Nate L played some beer pong...and a game of speed beer pong that Bob invented...haha. It was fun times. Of course I cracked my head really hard off of Nate's bunk bed when we were all watching a movie...and it still hurts. hahaha But yeah...I haven't seen a lot of people since graduation...that makes me sad. I talked to Tom last night...and it was so good to hear that he's doing well. I miss him! I miss everyone...sometimes it still comes as a shock that college is done. It definitely flew by.
Well that's all I got for now. I don't work tomorrow...the only day this week that I don't work...but I have to go get my oil changed and a new headlight put in my car so I'm not a padiddle anymore...haha. Hibbity...







...jibbity.

9:18pm: "You're a loopy bitch"
Ohh update-a-roo. Not much to talk about. Wednesday was the final shooting day for the 2nd silent film. We were in the basement of this funeral home...so it was creepy all around. And I looked really creepy...and me and the other creepy guy had to walk out of this weird little hole/secret staircase in the wall...so it was creeeepy (wait...in case you didn't know...it was creepy). And when I walked in...it was so weird to be changing my clothes and sticking my stuff in a casket to do so *shivers* But it was fun...we were all crazy...and no one there was weirded out by my weirdness...bwahaha. Yeah i dunno...
I didn't really do too much else this week. I had a doctor's appt on Friday morning...that went well. Nothing too new with that. And last night was just an all around random crazy night...haha. But I've realized that when I'm around guys I don't know...I don't really get uncomfortable...but when I get around girls I don't know...I'm not a fan. And that's for a good reason, since some stupid bitchy girl last night said she would "kick the shit out of me" b/c I didn't want to drive home after drinking. Hahaha...but she was 19 and looked like a Chinese prostitute...and I made sure I called her on it, since she made the comment when I went to go to the bathroom. Stupid bitch. Bwahahaha. And I got to hang out w/ some people that graduated a couple years before me in high school...who wouldn't even have noticed me in high school...and now they're just laaaame...like me...so it was fun. And this one kid kept saying that I was funny but that I was "one loopy bitch." He wouldn't really explain why I was loopy and not crazy...but I'll go with it. And everyone there immediately started making fun of my laugh when I busted it out for the first time...so they kept trying to make me laugh more after that. Soooo crazy. But it was just one of those random nights that are fun...but leave you going...wtf was THAT?!
Aaaaand...for now that's all I have to say. I have to shat...now THERE'S something shocking...of course, I won't be shitting out decorated terds like my little brother refers to the Baltimore Ravens' cheerleaders as...haha. At least I hope I don't shat out a Baltimore Ravens cheerleader...AHHHH.

3:02am: home again for all the wrong reasons...
So...I guess they're not all the wrong reasons...but this situation certainly isn't in my best interest. However, I have to take care of my mom...and I know this is what's best. I'm just really gonna need my friends right now...b/c if I start to lose it...I can't be here. Everything's just...ahhhh. Chaotic is a word that is running through my head right now. My emotions=chaotic...my moods=chaotic...my thought process=chaotic. Bah!
So tonight I had a nice chat w/ Ash...and she helped me decide what has been bothering me for the past week. I know I have people there when I need them...but what's best right now if for me to be here. I just wish it wasn't for the reasons that it is. But I don't really have a plan...so I just basically have to get a job and work my ass off until I know exactly what's going on with my mom...and the whole possibility of moving out to Washington with my brother. Who knows anymore...
I auditioned for Nashville Star this weekend. I went to see the Count of Monte Cristo at Westminster w/ Noely, Sammy, and Jumbo on Friday. It was good...but weird to watch a show at Westminster that I had absolutely no part in. Afterwards I went to the cast party and was ridiculous with everyone there. I'm sure the new freshman were scurred of me. But Eileen was excited to hear about my short film experiences...and she boosted my ego by telling me how talented and hard working she thinks I am. Gotta love her. So anyways...I stayed w/ Noely on Friday night...then we trekked it down to Bridgeville early Sat. morning to this Rhythm House Cafe for some Nashville Star auditioning action. Of course...we dind't get there as early as we wanted to, so we were towards the back of the line. So anyways...4:00 rolls around...and we didn't think we'd be there that late...so Noely had to leave. She was bummed, I was bummed...but it worked out. I met this girl, Lexanne, who was in front of us in the line. She was really cool...so they were all supporting me. She actually auditioned right before I did. They were taking people in groups of 10...and you got to sing 30 seconds of a country song. I sang "When God Fearin' Women Get the Blues" by Martina McBride. Well...they would do about 50 auditions and then do a call back of people they wanted to come back for the 2nd round of the auditions. They usually took about 7 or 8 people from a group...but then at the end of our round they only took 4. Well me and Lexanne both got called back. I was so excited!!!
Round 2 was a little more nerve-wracking b/c I had to learn the beginning and chorus of "Born to Fly" by Sara Evans...and then learn the beginning of "God Fearin' Women," too. Well I finally auditioned, which Noel was there to see this time, and of course I forgot the words. So I was standing there like an idiot making this face like "Help me out...anyone..." and the camera guy said the next line...and the judges laughed. I was like "a-thank you sir" and kept on going on with the song like nothing happened...and I nailed it. Then I did the next song and kicked its ass, too. So the main judge guy was asking us some questions afterwards...and he was like "Good Job with the recovering after forgetting the words...you went on like nothing happened...that was really good." And then I made fun of myself and everyone laughed. I think the fact that I forgot the words will help me...only b/c it'll make me different from everyone who just went through their songs. I mean...I was one of the 49 people out of the 330 who auditioned the first day to get called back. They're only taking up to 5 from those 49 for the round 3 auditions which involve going to Nashville or Houston...but I won't get the call until after Dec. 8...soooo who knows. If I don't get one...I won't be crushed...I mean I did forget the words...but I know I sang the hell out of those songs...so it's always possible. I wasn't intimidated by anyone else that sang...I know I was just as good if not better than everyone I heard...and I am actually confident in that. I guess it just depends on what they're looking for.
Yesterday we shot the first couple scenes for the 2nd short film I'm in about the Nazis and the Holocaust. I play the ghostly representation of all the Jewish women killed in the Holocaust. My hair was all matted down and I had this crazy makeup all over my face and under my eyes...I definitely looked really creepy. There was a guy to represent all of the Jewish men...who looked equally as creepy. Everyone else was dressed in full Nazi gear with the swaztikas (i just realized I don't know how to spell that) on their arms. So we walked into this bar to find this one guy...and everyone there just gasped...once we explained, they thought it was the coolest thing ever...but it was like 3 Nazis and 2 dead looking Jews walk into a bar...the most ridiculous start to a joke ever. But I like everyone in the cast...it's basically all the same people that were in the other one...minus a few. They all think I'm "a hoot" as they say. And I'm becoming friends with the Rich kid...we bitch about things when it's getting ridiculous. But it's a lot of fun...I hope to work with these people again. I get to go back tomorrow to shoot some more scenes, so that'll be fun.
Well...I need some sleep. Another busy day of shooting tomorrow. Then it's time to really seal the deal on getting a job. Blah, blah and more blah. This situation just blows... the end.

1:32am: whyyyyyyy
Why do I feel the way I do sometimes? Why do things really suck sometimes? Why can't I stop being an emotional shitball? Why won't the kitties stop trying to drink my tea? Why can't health insurance be easier to attain? Why can't things just go right for once without me worrying what other bad things are going to happen?

Why?...

1:59am: umm...why am i not sleeping?
Ummm...wtf...how is it that I've seen 120 of these freakin movies...yet I suck at remembering them...like...quotes and stuff. There's something wrong with me. I must not pay enough attention...unless it's scary...or really funny. But yeah...I'm...a loser. And I don't even ever see movies....WTF?! Yeah...clearly I was bored...haha


The Movie Survey
X off the ones you've seen. More than 70 and you're a maniac.

(X) Pirates of the Caribbean
( ) The Mexican
(X) Fight Club
(x) Starsky and Hutch
(X) Neverending Story
( ) Blazing Saddles
(X) Garden State
(X) The Princess Bride
( ) Young Frankenstien
(X) Anchor Man
(X) Napoleon Dynamite
(X) Saw
( ) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
(X) Anger Management

total here : 10


(x) 50 First Dates
(X) Jason vs Freddy
(x) Scream
(x) Scream 2
(x) Scream 3
(X) Scary Movie
(x) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
(X) American Pie
(X) American Pie 2
(X) American Wedding
(X) Harry Potter
( ) Harry Potter 2
( ) Harry Potter 3
(x) Resident Evil I
( ) Resident Evil 2
(X) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book

total here : 13

(X) The Village
(X) Donnie Darko
( ) Lilo & Stitch
(X) Finding Nemo
( ) Finding Neverland
(X) 13 Ghosts
(x) Signs
(X) The Grinch
(X) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(X) White Chicks
(x) Butterfly Effect
( ) Thirteen going on 30
(x) I,Robot
(X) Dodgeball
( ) Universal Soldier
( ) A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(X) Along Came A Spider
( ) Deep impact

total here : 12

( ) KingPin
(X) Never Been Kissed
(X) Meet The Parents
(X) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
( ) A Cinderella Story
( ) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(X) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumb & Dumberer
(X) Final Destination
(x) Final Destination 2
(X) Halloween
(x) The Ring
(X) The Ring 2
( ) Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
(X) Practical Magic
(x) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
( ) Hellboy
(x) Secret Window
(x) I Am Sam
(X) The Whole Nine Yards
(X) The Whole Ten Yards
(x) The Day After Tomorrow
(X) Child's Play
( ) Bride of Chucky
(X) Ten Things I Hate About You
(X) Just Married
( ) Gothika
( ) Nightmare on Elm Street
(X) Sixteen Candles
(x) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
(x) Joy Ride
(x) Seven
(X) Oceans Eleven
(X) Oceans Twelve
(x) Identity

total here : 26

( ) Lone Star
(X) Predator I
( ) Predator II
(X) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
(X) Darkness Falls
(X) Christine
(X) ET
(x) Children of the Corn
( ) My boss' daughter
(X) Maid in Manhattan
( ) Frailty
( ) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(X) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
( ) Sideways
(x) Mars Attacks

total here : 9

(X) Event Horizon
(X) Ever After
(X) Forrest Gump
( ) Big Trouble in Little China
(X) X-men 1
( ) X-Men 2
(X) Catch me if you can
(x) The Others
( ) Freaky Friday
( ) Reign of Fire
(X) The Hot Chick
(x) Swimfan
( ) Miracle
(x) Old School
( ) Ray
(X) The Notebook
(X) K-pax

total here : 11

(X) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
(X) A walk to remember
( ) Boogeyman
( ) Hitch
( ) The Fifth Element
(x) Star Wars episode I The Phantom Menace**
(x) Star Wars episode II Attack of The Clones**
( ) Star Wars episode III Revenge of The Sith**
(X) Star Wars Episode IV A New Hope
(X) Star Wars episode V The Empire Strikes Back**
(X) Star Wars episode VI Return of The Jedi
( ) Troop Beverly Hills
( ) Swimming with Sharks
( ) Air Force One
( ) For Richer or Poorer
( ) People under the stairs
( ) Blue Velvet
(X) Sound of music
(X) Parent Trap
( ) The Burbs
(X) The Terminator
( ) Empire Records
(X) Meet Joe Black
(X) A Clockwork Orange
( ) The Order
(X) Spiderman
(x) Spiderman 2
(X) Amelie

total here : 17

(X) Mean Girls
(X) Shrek
(X) Shrek 2
( ) The Incredibles
( ) Collateral
(X) The Fast & The Furious
( ) 2 Fast 2 Furious
( ) Sky Captain Of The World Of Tomorrow
( ) Closer

total here : 4

(X) Titanic
( ) Saved
( ) Bowling For Columbine
( ) Farenheit 9/11
(X) The Sixth Sense
( ) Artificial intelligence (AI)
( ) Love actually
( ) Shutter
( ) Ella Enchanted
( ) Princess diaries 1
( ) Princess diaries 2
( ) Constantine
( ) Million Dollar Baby
( ) Envy
(X) Eurotrip
( ) Malibu's Most wanted
(X) Big Daddy
( ) Black Sheep
(X) The Breakfast Club
(X) West side story

total here : 6

(x) A Christmas Story
( ) Spanglish
(X) Pulp Fiction
( ) sleepover
( ) The Evil Dead
( ) Killer Klowns From Outer Space
( ) The Seed of chucky
( ) Vanilla Sky
(X) Nightmare Before Christmas
(X) Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
(x) Interview With The Vampire
( ) The Crow
( ) Purple Rain
(X) Wayne's World

total here : 6

( ) Wayne's World 2
( ) 21 Grams
(x) Blow
(x) Edward Scissorhands
( ) Clerks
(X) Beauty and the Beast
( ) Guess who
(X) Monster In-Law
(X) Elf
( ) stuart little
( ) stuart little 2
( ) Chasing Amy
(X) Dogma
(X) Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

total here : 7

(X) Beetlejuice
(x) The Last Samurai
(x) The Amityville Horror
( ) The Aviator
(X) Romeo and Juliet
( ) Barbershop
( ) Barbershop 2
(x) Beauty Shop
(X) Legally Blonde
( ) Legally Blonde 2
(x) The Forgotten
(x) Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
( ) The Grudge

1:33am: Silence...
Yeah...so I just got back from the shooting of the first short film I'm in called Silence. Tons of fun. I felt a little rusty on the acting at first...I won't lie...but it rocked. Everyone was so nice...and if you could see my makeup right now...you would gasp...it is out of CONTROL!! And I got to play the bitch in charge of the bitch druggy crowd...it was sweet. Unfortunately I couldn't find my fucking digital camera to take pics...so everyone will just have to see it =) Plus this guy named AC, who was in it as well, was videotaping everything that was going on...and it was hilarious...so maybe I can score a copy of that from him as well. Ohhh glorious. And I met this kid named Rich...who reminded me sooo much of RAM...he was a theatre major at Gannon, he always got cast as the Jewish person or the sidekick...but his favorite role was when he played Mr. Shepard in The Laramie Project. I was like HOLY SHIT!!! It was pseudo-RAM. Craaaazy. Then on my way home...I saw a kickass shooting star. It was so bright.
So, yeah...I had a good day...which I needed. Oh yeah...last night was fun, too! I went to Olive Garden with Tammy, Hallie and Val. Then we went to DQ and bitched for a while then trucked it over to Tammy's. Tammy, Val and I had a slumber party...and watched The Ring Two. We missed half of it the first time and didn't realize it...so we were so confused...so then we proceeded to watch the first half. Haha...interesting way to watch it. But...eh...I wasn't impressed. Oh yes, and I wore Tammy's daughter, Miranda's little pajamas...it was a nightgown that had little frilly sleeves and rainbows on it. It was pretty sweet...haha. At least I'm an 8 year old. I went from wearing an 8 year old's pajamas this morning to wearing a slutty ass black lacey shirt and ridiculous eye makeup pretending to LSD tonight. What a transformation.
Of course...a lot of fucked up shit is going on now...but I'm not even going to talk about it. I just have to pray for the best...and I'm not gonna worry until we know for sure what is going on. But geeeeeez...it never ends.
Well now I am exhausted...so I am going to bed. Goodnight all...

10:03am: blahhhh
Well...I'm kinda hungover right now. I went up to theta chi last night to hang out w/ Jumbo and some other people. I was kinda retarded...but I was, for the most part, a happy drunk. Buuut...once again I managed to get emotional at one point...and of course I made an ass out of myself a few times...haha...but I had fun. Ohhh bother...I should just not talk to boys, though. I say really dumb things sometimes.
Sunday I start filming...I'm really excited! Now I'm just trying to find more auditions and shtuff.
Well I have nothing else to talk about right now b/c I'm completely out of it and have massive cramps. Soooo...the end.

1:16pm: ohhh beer
So...Ash and I decided to drink a few last night while watching the game...and it was fun. We played circle of death...yes, just the two of us...and it was fun times. Of course...the end of the game (the Steelers game that is) made me want to shit my pants. I can't believe it was even that close. But yes...it was a good night. As long as I'm having fun and hanging out with friends, I can do stuff like that.
I worked last night...and I dressed up as a hippie weirdo...I had a big afro wig on...and big hoop earrings and all kinds of makeup on. I am a toolbag...haha.
Wellll...I have nothing else to talk about really...so I guess that's the end. I need to clean out my closet...b/c I have tons of laundry to do...and it smells like Dairy Queen...blech.

12:57am: car alarm...
Ohhh blah. That's how I feel right now. I'm just not in a good mood. I don't feel well, I worked 2 dubs in row, and I just feel sad. I was watching SNL, and Sheryl Crow sang Are You Strong Enough to be my Man It made me think...I should pose that question before I ever date anyone again...b/c no one can handle my shit. Ohh my. But that won't be happening for a while. I have enough drama in my life without adding a relationship to the mix.
My mom called me at work today to tell me my Great Grandma Dot died today. She was freakin 98 or 99...and died peacefully in her sleep. I wasn't really very close to her. I only went to her house once when I was little...her mean dog scared the piss out of me and she fed me grapes with seeds in them. I don't think she liked me much...but all the same...she's my great grandma...so I'm gonna try to go to her funeral on monday morning.
I worked a double today and yesterday. Fun times...but it wasn't bad at all. I like everyone I work with. We're pretty much jackasses the entire time.
Tomorrow is my read-through for the first short film I'm in, Silence I'm excited. The director girl...she seems really cool...her name is Hollis...she emailed me to tell me that I was really great at my audition and that they figured I'd be good at the part they gave me b/c, to quote her, "you're good at playing the bad ass, and you know it ;) hahaha...ohhh man. If she only knew how ridiculous I am. Buuuut, it's cool that I somehow managed to portray "badass" at my audition. In the second one I get to play a ghost woman...bwahaha. Yeah yeah...cue the pale jokes...a-holes.
Well I need to go to bed...blah blah blah

*Someday I'll fly away...leave all this to yesterday...*

1:09am: doobie doo
I have a hard time typing on this computer...
Aaaanywho...this week has involved a lot of me working...and Ash and I beat Mario 3 b/c we're AWESOME! Tonight I went to a haunted house in GC w/ some people from DQ. It was a good time even though half the rooms didn't happen b/c the scary people weren't in there...it was half assed... but the tickets were free for us, so it was cool.
Nothing else really knew...I wanna go see a scary mooovie. I hope someone will go w/ me to see Saw 2 or something.
My bro turned 21 the other day. I got to talk to him...and of course he wasn't boozing b/c he has to do important things...but I am definitely getting him smashed if he comes home for Christmas. And we also discussed more of me moving out there to Washington with him...looks like it'll prob happen in Feb. Thinking about actually going is kinda scary...but I think it would be sooo good for me.
Well, I have to work a double tomorrow, so I'm gonna go to bed.

9:44pm: so far away...
Sooo...lots of craziness going on lately. The other night was a really sad night dealing with a kitty...and I don't want to go into it...but it was sad...and that fuckin bitch who gave her to us is an ASSHOLE!! Anyways...hopefully the kitty is ok now. The next day we had to leave the apt for a while and go stay at tara's boss's house b/c we were big bombing the place...b/c that poor little kitty had about 5 million fleas...most fucked up thing I ever saw. He was only here for like 2 hours...but we were paranoid about the fleas...so we bombed the place. So it was a crazy 2 days dealing with that.
Last night I went up to Erie to visit BLee...it was a lot of fun...but let's just say I'm an idiot. We went to this martini bar...me, BLee, and his friend Jason who is really nice...and me + 2 martinis=wasted. This whole not drinking at all in the past 2 months has made me a lightweight...I was pretty much passing out at the bar after 2 martinis. I felt like a jackass. But thank God BLee is as nice as he is...b/c he helped me out a lot. I had fun, though. Next time I'll have to not drink so I can actually be good company. haha...ohhh man...
Today I had to go to work...but I felt like I was going to die...so i went in late. But it didn't matter since we were dead. We walked out of there at 9. It was nice.
Now I'm chillin here by myself b/c Raeann's home for the weekend, Ash and Adam are out and about...and Tara's staying at her boss's place tonight. So I'm prob gonna play some Mario for a while...haha. I'm obsessed.
I got some really nice messages from my brother today. For one, I'm so relieved he is back in the states even though he had a close call getting hit by a drunk driver today (fuck you to anyone who drinks and drives). And two, he is the best brother in the entire world. I just can't wait for that day when I know where he is all the time and I can talk to and see him any time i want. I really hope that it works out for me to move out there...it would be awesome. I definitely need to get out of this area for a while...though it would be really hard to leave all of my friends. But who knows what'll happen.
Living w/ Ash, Tara and Raeann is great. I wish I could contribute more money wise...but in time that'll work out. They are so great, though. They always make me laugh...and I never have time to get sad about anything b/c they're always being crazy. I love them. And Aaaang will be home before we know it...I miss her tons. I can't wait to hang out w/ her again. I wish I had money to go down there to see her.
Well...I'm sick of typing...so I'm gonna go play some Mario for a bit because I'm cool.
Oh yeah...and I saw Sky the other night at EnP and it was gloooorious.
That is all...
oh yeah...and I love Halloween. And I kinda just wanna dress up for the hell of it...as what you ask? I have no idea...maybe a bum b/c that's what I am...haha.
The end.

1:30pm: tuna
I just made some tuna for me and Ash...she is cleaning frantically...and now we're playing Mario. I have to work tonight. Boys are assholes. That's about all.
Ash just beat the guy on Mario...we I must go and join her in our quest to beat the 8th world. PEACE.

1:42am: ohhh shat...
Well it's another lonely night in Rachaelville. I'm sitting here watching some Court TV b/c Tara got me hooked on watching some show called Body of Evidence. I am exhausted...but I know I won't be able to fall asleep for a while. Why do I think about so much before I go to bed??
I worked last night and this morning. I couldn't sleep the night before last b/c I was sick and had a bad feeling for some reason. I initally thought of my brother...but I got to talk to him today and he's fine...at least as fine as he can be in his situation. I then had my appt. for my new doctor yesterday morning at 9...so I had to get up ass early to get down to Butler in time for my appt. I got to talk about a lot...and I think this is definitely going to help me. It was interesting to see the shock on the woman's face when I told her everything that's been going on in my life. But it was nice to just sort it all out as I talked. Blah blah...
I was so tired today at work...I felt like a zombie. Then I went home for a little bit b/c I promised Jer i'd help him get ready for homecoming (which he looked good or "pimp" as Jer said and his lil gf is sooo cute). I fell asleep for a bit out of sheer exhaustion and the fact that I didn't feel like being awkward around my parents for longer than I had to. Yeah...things appear ok...and I can joke around...but I'm still very hurt...and it's obvious that things are weird. Despite that...I can still converse with my family when needed...but to live there right now would probably destroy me. I can tell my mom is hurting about it...and though she just wants to put it all behind us...I can't do that. We have to talk about it b/c this was the last straw...and I won't be ok with things until she gets the help she needs. I feel bad b/c I know this is bothering her in the fact that she was actually normal when I went home today. For that time of day...it was unexpected. And she hugged me goodbye and said "it was good seeing you," and that she hopes I'm ok even though I was tired and feeling like shit. I love my mom...but she needs help...and I can't have her hurting my progress when she's dealing with all of her issues in such a hurtful, destructive way. It's just all so weird...I have such mixed emotions about it...it's just weird how quickly things can change. I now feel so awkward being in my own house...I don't like it. My dad's 50th birthday is Monday, so I'm going over there for dinner. I just am not sure how my dad feels about everything...so hopefully it's just civil and surface happy while I'm there because I don't feel like dealing with anything in that situation. I don't know when I will feel like dealing with it really...thank God once again for my amazing friends...or I wouldn't be ok.
Once again I'm being sad because of boys. I really don't understand why I feel like I need a guy to be happy. I totally shouldn't...it's not like I didn't have a father figure growing up so I'm afraid of being alone or something. I just don't get why I have such a hard time dealing with getting over someone. I can't help but think that right now i'm just desperate for someone to love me...because I'd feel safer...but why do I think I can't feel good about myself without it?? Guess i'll figure that out in time...for now...boys suck...and I will poop on them. The end.
Tomorrow night I work...and tomorrow is the Steeeeeeeeler game...I'm psyched...even if my Hinesy won't be playing. Should be interesting.
Well that's enough bitching and moaning for one entry...now I shall try to sleep...

2:46am: blank...
Yeah...today was an ok day I guess. I had my last appt. with Dr. Rodgers. On Friday I'll be evaluated for a new one...should be interesting.
I cleaned and organized the little closet that I have all my stuff in here at Ash/Raeann/Tara's apt. I hated doing it just because I feel like such a piece of crap...but they said as long as I'm here...I can't be living out of a bag. Hahaha they're great. It's wonderful having people around almost all of the time...so when I cry and get really down...they're always there to listen and eventually make me laugh. Ash and Tara are hilarious when they get going...and it's an everyday occurence for them. I love it.
I can't seem to shake some feelings off though. I mean, I had a civil convo with my mom today. She wishes we could just not talk about it at all. I can be ok with her...I just can't live there anymore...and she really hurt me...which will take me a while to get over. And it wasn't the first and surely not the last time...so for my own mental health...I just have to be out of there.
And my broken heart hasn't subsided. They say time heals all wounds...but sometimes wounds hurt more over time. At least in my experience. I mean, you would think by now I'd be over it...but I'm not. I know, I'm pathetic...but it fuckin hurts. And it's not that I'm realizing this because I want what I can't have. I was devastated the minute it happened...it just still hurts so much. Especially when that person is moving on...especially when I want nothing more than for them to be in my life...and I can't have them in my life. I am just hurting so much over it...b/c I've had such messed up experiences in the past with endings...but there are things I can't control. I can't make someone love me...but how do you just go back to the way it was before?? Guys need to come with some kind of guide...so that you know when they break your heart, they're going to expect a certain thing from you when it's over. That way you could either agree to the terms or not. Yeah sure...down the line I might look at the memories and smile...but right now they just hurt like a bitch b/c I know that I'm the only one who feels that way about them. And when I'm supposed to go back to "the way it was before..." I feel like it was all just a lie. It's such a slap in the face to just become a friend when you were in love with someone. I've been through it before...but my past circumstances were all completely different...and obviously messed up for anyone who knows what I've dealt with in terms of ex-boyfriends. Sad. It just amazes me..."just friends." The fact that the "just" is in the front there is the key sign that you're just not an important factor anymore. If a relationship is downgraded...there's no more effort. There's no more fond thoughts...those are clouded over with new loves...and you just become a random memory that happens to be looked upon if you come across a random picture or do something that reminds them of you. But it flashes in and out and that's it. It just...really fuckin hurts...I don't honestly know why it does right now...it just does. Probably the timing of things right now has a lot to do with it...plus I'm living in an apt right now that has 2 girls who are madly in love and talk to their boyfriends about 23987297 times a day. Why can't I be happy? What is wrong w/ me?? Ohhh the list is long...hah. But apparently there will be more of this shit in my life...I mean I've already gone through it several times...but it seems to get worse every time. I just love how easy I am to forget...
Wow...I've vented about this for so long...but it's so hard for me to go to sleep with all of these emotions inside of me...and since I made a decision that had to be done but is very painful for me...I can't just lay here and cry about it...so I'm typing it all out. It's all so silly really...I guess I just have fucked up expectations...like I expect some hero to come and save me...and take me away from everything that hurts me. Fat chance...I really need to suck it up...
And now I'm lecturing myself in my own entry...so I really need to end this.
Oh yeah...and Ash and I definitely played Super Mario 3 for 4 and a half hours tonight. We got all the way to level 7 without cheating...but then we were delirious so we're gonna finish it on another day. We're SO FREAKIN AWESOOOOME!!!
Aaaaand scene.

2:53am: please stop my tears...
Ohhh man...I just typed out every overwhelming emotion I'm feeling right now...and this computer just deleted all of it. But I shall start again seeing as I don't feel a whole lot better. So, I was posing the rhetorical question, why is it that the only one who can stop your tears is the one who causes them in the first place? I will never understand...but that person is never once there to stop my tears. I just feel so lost. Thank God for my amazing friends...but how can I ever repay them?? I owe them all so much, and without them I wouldn't be here. And I hate that feeling that I'm this moocher with nothing to offer. It's going to take me so long to attain even stability...yet alone a point where I have something to give back. I just don't understand how I let myself get to this point. I feel so incredibly lost...like I'm in quicksand trying to get out, yet I just keep sinking as soon as I make a big move. And as I sit here in this apartment that isn't mine with tears in my eyes, I ponder why I have let things get so bad. Yeah sure, life is hard...suck it up...but I can't help the way that I feel. It hurts so much to feel so insulted, betrayed, painfully provoked by your own family...and completely invisible as well. It's going to take such a long time before things are ok. These issues are things that I can't just "get over." It's not like when your friend tells someone else a stupid secret you told them. This is serious business. And it hurts so much to care so much for someone that doesn't care for you. Oh yes, "people change," so how is it that my feelings don't change like that? Why don't I realize that the minute I let my guard down and once again give my heart to someone, they just shit all over it?? And in the end...I'm left alone. And there's no explanation...which is what kills me. I feel like there should be a solid reason as to why my heart is broken into a million pieces even now...among other things. Maybe it's because nothing in my life is stable...so I look back to times when it was...and remember how happy I was (though at the time...I allowed myself to yet again be outwardly miserable.) I take so much shit forgranted. But not now...I am so lucky for my friends...for having a place to stay through all of this...for my amazing brothers...for having the mental stability to get past something that could have set me back...for having the physical health that I do (minus the IBS...but it's not so bad I guess). I just always wanted to be that independent person, that friend that was always the shoulder to cry on. Now I'm the crier on the proverbial shoulder of life. OMG...did I just say that?? I act like I'm a deep thinker or something.
I don't even know where to go with this. I suppose I should go to sleep. I worked 8 hours today, which is no biggie at all, and it went really well. It was so weird being back there, but it's money. Besides...I'm only there for about 2 weeks, and then I do these short films. I finally got the scripts tonight...and I play interesting characters. They're not huge parts...but for a short film they're decent. I'm so excited to act in a film...even if I am a drug addict and some weird lurking dream woman amongst Nazis. And tomorrow I have a an appt. that might help me to figure some things out...or at least let me refill some meds that i can't afford. haha...ohhh life. You're a silly whore sometimes. That's all I have to say...
The tears have subsided for now...